Anybody Want a SQUARE Egg?

I attended a local auction last night to buy items to sell  on my eBay site.  My neighbor, Chapman (that’s what I call her) and I rode together, as usual.

We looked around before the auction started.  As ever, I started out serious. I needed to stay focused, to bid on (and win) items that I wanted.

And I got what I wanted in the first 35 minutes – and for better prices than I expected.


That’s when the fun began for me.  I shuffled up toward the front and found a desk along the wall to sit on.  I didn’t want to miss anything.

As is typical, the Auctioneer and Helpers loosened up, as the auction progressed. They tried  to get bidding started on some junk in the back…

Auctioneer: $10….$5….Nobody? Anybody want it for $2?

At least ten hands went  up–Immediately.

Auctioneer: Look at that! It’s like a hillbilly prayer meeting.

He sold whatever it was for $2, then moved to a cluster of candles.

Helper: Look at that. Brand new! Never even out of their wrappings.

Auctioneer started doing his thing and the bid was soon up to $17. For candles? And they weren’t even pretty.  Not sure what they sold for. I was too stunned to take it in…

Helper (mumbled): Yep. Smell just like horse shit.

Only a few of us up front heard and we couldn’t hold back the snickers.

Then there was a box of sewing items. I was on it, because I have done well with that type of thing on eBay.

Auctioneer:  $10, $5, Nobody? How about $2

I nodded.

Auctioneer: $3 , now $4, will you go $5, $6,

I was in a bidding war with an elderly guy on the other side of the room, with a beard like Santa Claus? Really?

Auctioneer: $7…you’re out? $8 …

And on it went until “Beardie”  won the lot.

Me: What’s he going to do with sewing crap?

Helper: Who knows? What does anybody do with any of this sh#%? Hoard it?

Me: Not me, I resell it on eBay. Like, it gets listed tonight.

He nodded his approval and went back to business.

As things wound down, I wandered to a table in the back, took a seat and looked over the costume jewelry I’d won. I accomplished my mission—no need to pay attention while the leftovers were unloaded on whoever wanted to drag them out of there. The Auctioneer and Helpers were basically looking for somebody to clean up for them.

Nobody bid on choice of about 25 HUGE boxes on a pallet in back. Not even for $2.

Choice means pick a box for $2. They tend to offer choice until ALL boxes are gone. In this case, there were about 25 of them.

Auctioneer: Everybody wants it.  Just don’t want to put their hands up.

I continued with my task at a back table. Until…

Auctioneer:  SOLD!

My head snapped up.

Auctioneer:  EVERYTHING TO #55!!!

I admit it…I cursed. Heads turned toward me.

Me: Sorry…she’s my neighbor. That means I have to load that mess into Chapman’s truck and then unload it all when we get back home!!!

Snickers and chuckles from those around me. I was riding home in the “Sanford and Son” Mobile.  They knew it. I knew it.

Then the apprentice Auctioneer took over for the last several items. Unfortunately, his name was Marco.

So…they announced Marco.

Crowd: POLO!!!

And they were off…quite a few in the crowd played the Marco – Polo game, while Marco took bids on a box of China and breakables.

At least until the Helper dropped it…and bidding stopped.


Then a roar of laughter around the place. (Which probably drowned out the Helper’s cursing)

When the auction was over, I walked over to have a look at the (please let there be) Hidden Treasures in my neighbors pile. I was NOT super excited to drag home a pickup truck full of boxes, destined for the garbage.

I picked up a painted wood bird and waved it at Chapman.

Me: Hey Chapman, I’m giving you the bird!!

The first thing I saw. One word.


Would anybody want a SQUARE egg?

In the end, we (over) loaded the entire bed of the pickup. And then we unloaded it at Chapman’s house.

I tramped home, my tiny jewelry box in hand. As I settled in and got to work, my cell phone buzzed.  I relayed the ‘goings on’ to The New Friend.

The New Friend: TIP –  Don’t go to the auction with your neighbor.

Me: She has the pickup truck. AND she doesn’t complain when I drag home dining room sets…(or dressers, or credenza’s…)

The wonderful news?

When the next morning, I had already sold one item I purchased last night. And for enough that I am already ahead…

Please leave a reply